Yep pretty crap a?
So a lot of people ask how are you still standing? I’m not so sure to be honest! Either I’m built to withstand higher levels of stress or I’m numb to a normal lifestyle.
So after Richie’s death I went back to Afghan I wasn’t right, I knew I wasn’t. I was trying to keep up this bravado trying to act all hard and “I can do this on my own act”. The common phrase of a swan gliding over the water whilst furiously kicking under would be the easiest way to describe how I was actually coping.
I was also man hating, now the guys on contract where lovely they were patient and let me be. I again was training like a lunatic, I had to remain slim I had to remain fit. But there was no structure to it. No real intention before I wanted to step on a stage then I wanted to be slim and pretty as I truly believed Richie wouldn’t of killed himself if I was both those things. How selfish of me? The way I looked had nothing to do with his suicide! I had nothing to do with it. Richie was ill he had given up and the say when a person commits suicide their pain is gone. But what they don’t realise is they pass it on to those who love them. Now I had I only known him a short time. It’s his family and children who would feel the pain 100 fold, to my measly 5 minutes I had.
Like I said I met a man after and in my grief I mixed up “love” to the “wanting to be loved”
I can’t go into detail of this man but I can tell you that it ended and it ended bad! It lasted less than a year, I lost my home, my job, my confidence, I became fat and most of all I lost my self respect.
A warning to anyone who falls for someone who ( falls for them quickly )
Stop and think!!!
Why are you being love bombed, why are they eager to settle with you so soon?
If you google narcissist the explanations are vast. Now the modern day term for a narc is used losely, people who take care of themselves or take selfies are now accused of narcissist tendencies. Bull shit!!!
Narc’s are sociopaths the feed of empaths people like myself. I like to take care of my man, clothe him, feed him whilst they protect me. That’s the whole point of a man and woman relationship right?
No let’s just say this person was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I was exhausted, grieving, felt unloved I needed to feel protected and loved. A Narc will see all these needs and project themselves into that perfect man or woman ( not all narc’s are men ) it’s like your own person supply of heroin to an addict. They morph into exactly what you crave and when you are blown away when you are fixated on the perfect being. They crush you back down to a level where you need the fix. If I was good he would reward me if I was bad he would punish.
I went out with a few friends we went out clubbing and I saw some old rugby friends a picture was taken and the picture had a guy with his hands almost cupping my breasts but not touching. My ex Narc had travelled the nightclubs pics to see if I had been photographed and there he found it. He was away at the time and sent me it via a message, yes it looked bad but it was innocent. So if you are angry what does a normal person do? They kick off they yell they slam the phone down. End the relationship?
Not my ex Narc he skypes me sat at a desk he picks up the exact same type of weapon Richie killed himself with and puts it to his temple.
“What will people think if another one of your boyfriends kills himself? What will they think you fuvking slag!!! You fat ugly dog, you whore!!!! Do you want me to do it do you?”
All the while Ive never ever been in such a state! I’m screaming screaming to the top of my lungs for him to stop… begging him begging him not to do that. My body is shaking I’m throwing up in my mouth… please please please don’t.
He ends the call……
I tried for hours to call him back, I sent guys who were on the same contract as him messages to check on him. One did, he was ok his friend said and I quote “you need to understand his ex wife used to do the same ho out and shag blokes, he’s just worried you will do the same”
Things like these happened so often he had broke me, I was broken I knew I couldn’ti go on anymore. For the record his ex wife did not do the same she too was abused by him like I was. But I chose to ignore her what an idiot I am!!!
My narc used my past to control me, he used my insecurities to keep me in check and my money to pay his debts. By the time we had split up I didn’t recognise who I was.
Mentally I was done, physically I was running on empty. Needless to say we split and he moved on to his new supply. Was I upset yes I was devastated! I truly didn’t get over out break up until a year after. Do I care now? Nope! He taught me so many lessons I truly believe he was sent for a reason. Whom ever did needs a swift kick in the balls for it. But it really really helped me with so many life decisions, it truly was a blessing even though the hardest one I’ve ever endured.
So I’m single and have been for 2 years since we split, I’ve dated guys but as soon as they show any signs of my narc I end it and I end it quick. They are gone never to return! A quick block and deleted of everything and I carry on as normal. Some may say I’m harsh I would say it’s CJ’s self preservation society.
I finally know my worth….
I’m not beautiful
I’m not young
I’ve got a terrible past
I have some right annoying traits and lifestyle choices.
And ultimately I’m a gob shite…
typical northern bird. Says what she likes and likes what she bloody well says.
Lasses from Hull are made from strong stuff. I did read an article that stated we are bred like this because our men go out to sea and we are left to act as mothers and fathers. I reckon there is a lot of truth to that. Most Hull lasses are nails and we are proud of it.
Digressing slightly. After my ex Narc left me with nothing and I mean nothing! I went through a very hard time dealing with a second rejection and an abusive relationship. This is where it gets dark, darker than I’ve ever been. A low so overwhelming and deep I don’t recognise that person within me anymore. Discarded, rejected, used, abused and emotionally wrecked by the hands of a sociopath. Richie’s suicide was fast one minute here one minute gone. The narc however he stuck around roughly less than a mile away. Sucking the life out of his new source. I have no feelings for her none whatsoever. All but one, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart for removing my misery when I wasn’t strong enough to do so. She removed my drug, I couldn’t, I could not let go of it. However she took it and at first I wanted it back but slowly as the days turned into weeks then months now 2 years, I’ve realised it was the best decision made for me out of my control.
So if she is reading this ( which I doubt) I want her to know that my pain like Richie’s was left to me, is now hers she may not admit it and be loyal like I was too, but patterns don’t lie it’s just whether you are respectful of yourself will you admit that that green isn’t always greener and more importantly she is welcome to it.
The photo above was taken weeks after we split some people just see the tattoo which is my favourite of all my ink. If you look at my eyes they tell a different story weeks before I tried to take my own life.