I loved him, but I was broken too. 


It hit hard no job, I was left with a house to pay for bills everything I was devastated how the fuck had I let this happen to me???? 

Not again I couldn’t take it again. What Richie had done seemed the easy option I missed him I missed his eyes I wanted to be with him. So I walked to the shop bought a few bottles of wine and enough paracetamol to mix with some amatripoline to do the job. No fucking more!

My dad 

The army 

Afghan 

Richie 

And now the Narc,

I’m an idiot every time my life had taken a dive a man was involved in it. No more! 

I woke up on a ward dressed in the clothes I had been in the day before. There was a IV in my arm and I was dying to use the toilet, so I stood instantly and Mu legs gave way instantly I woke up again on the floor. No nurses were around, so I picked myself back up and dragged this stupid drip thing with me, the ward was quiet but there where eyes on me from the other patients it was so surely like a film or something, everyone was looking at me strangely, my head was busting so much pain wtf had I done. As I walked through the corridor I saw a lady in a bed, she looked like my mum. Same hair same shape but she was drugged and looked terrible. 
It was my mum why? Why was she in the same hospital as me? mum, mum, mum what’s wrong are you ok? 
“Claire what have you done”

“Nothing mum, whats wrong with you are you ok?”

“Don’t lie to me Claire why are you in here?”. 

“I don’t know mum I’ve just woke up and I need to pee”

She said come back once your finished as I sat on the toilet I started to remember the pills the alcohol how long had I been asleep what day was it?

What have I done?!

My mum is paralysed she is terminally ill with MS, any stress or illness lands her straight into hospital, but I couldn’t work out what was going on! My head was so fuzzy from the drugs and what ever they were giving me. Mum said I had been found by ambulance men and that I nearly died, she asked if I had done it to myself. I couldn’t tell her the truth I said I didn’t know. I was too embarrassed to admit what I had done. 

I now know what mental state Richie was in when he took his life. 

See when you are in that place you don’t care about anything else other than you want out of the situation, you forget about everything you are leaving behind. Your life your kids your family you just want the pain to stop. You will do anything for it to go away and that is what I had done. 

My life and my past, the PTSD and being abused both physically and mentally by the Narc had finally caught up with me. The strong CJ was gone she was a mess. Apparently the narc had come to the hospital to be by my side but I was screaming at him for having an affair which he still denied and the hospital had thrown him out he was a mess he went back to my sisters house and burst into tears my sister said Claire wouldn’t of done this for no reason, you must of done something to her she had been through so much in her life she must of had had enough. But the narc carried on with his lies!  

My mum had fell ill when she heard the news I had taken an overdose I had made my mum ill what an absolute cunt I was!!!!  
Everything I was angry with Richie for I had done myself. 

The narc was now me 

My kids was Richie’s kids 

My mum was Richie’s mum 

I will never forgive myself for that day and the selfish act I did, but I knew I was ill and needed help. It was time to ask for it. I refused to stay but they made me stay to speak with a cpn, I told her what had gone on and she instantly refered me to a mental health team. My PTSD was out I had no choice to admit it and get the help I needed. Ironically the narc offered to help he stayed with me for some of the meetings but his abuse had landed me here I couldn’t talk about it because he was there lurking making sure I didn’t tell them what he was doing. Showing his true colours wheh I got home from hospital he bathed me but I mentioned his affair he started to get cruel again. The narc left a few days after… I recorded him being abusive and sent it to family and friends his family too. I just wanted him away from me. 

The months after he left I had to build myself up again I received an eviction notice from our house, I had been paying my side of the rent but in true narc fashion. He refused to pay his. I had to move in with my sister and brother in law. That didn’t last long all of 3 weeks. An argument had erupted between them both, I tried to protect my sister and ended up getting stabbed in arm in the process!!! 

I know you can’t make it up can you! After another stay in hospital and a stupid phone call to the narc whilst I was coming down off the anapaestic ( totally broke the no contact rule ) but in my defence I didn’t know where I was. The surgeon had stitched me up and I stayed at my elder sisters house to work out my next move. 

London…. I packed my things my friend offered me a sofa, my mum bought me an old car bless her and I drove to London. Finally away from the Narc, the past and embracing the future. It was the only way to move on. 

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