Did she, or didn’t she? 

London is amazing I’ve loved living here I’ve met so many people and enjoyed settling into my flat and finally having a place of my own like I was before. 
So there’s something else, a heartbreaking time. It actually made me ill again but it was short lived ( I use Richie’s death as a datum point for bad circumstances ) as of yet nothing has ever hit that level of pain. I’m not going to give them the publicity they want, so if you wanna know about it google me, There are some articles out there written by an anonymous source. Make your own mind up about it like I’ve said many times before there is always two sides to every story. 

I couldn’t tell you if these people are male or female, names, addresses nothing, I know nothing as they remain anonymous. 

Just recently I met a friend in town, he was attending the annual march for a marine imprisoned for simply doing his job! I arranged to meet him in a bar later as I had some shopping to do. I sat at a table and chatted with some guys and a female I didn’t really know that well. I was working the next day so couldn’t drink that much and those who know me know I don’t drink hardly ever nowadays due to training and I just don’t like being drunk or being around drunk people anymore. Later that night I met up with a guy I consider to be like a brother too me. I love him so much, he’s been my rock and no matter what has happened I will not accept his apology. His act of kindness should never ever be used against him. Regardless of what people think or believe what they read I haven’t told my side of this story. And I won’t not until I can do it in front of a judge! 

Digressing again so I went to a Royal Marine march. Funnily enough I wasn’t allowed to be around those sort of guys before and let’s say by me going there would of proberly wound up a certain individual. Now apparently I was drunk, apparently I was talking to anyone who would listen. This was aired on a social media thread by none other than the narc! Who by all accounts was thousands of miles away. So I went somewhere where I wasn’t allowed to go before, 2 years after we have split up? And of course I was doing wrong again! 
Those patterns I talk about before are quiet obvious when I comes to this man. I spoke with 3 women, the lady I was with, another outside who had a walking stick and my friend who came to see me about CP. I spoke with 5 men the two guys at the table, a guy who is in the same business as me very briefly, my good friend and another guy who gave me his number. My good friend introduced me to one of his friends and I said hello. So apparently whilst I was in the venue I got drunk spoke to everyone in there…..
Whilst outside I saw some guys looking at me then looking at their phones as if they were trying to confirm something. I guess they are friends of the narc maybe, maybe not. Either way for a man who “wants nothing to do with me” he appears to be rather interested in my goings on! Or was it simply the disgusting fat dog being somewhere she shouldn’t be or wasn’t allowed to be whilst we were together. 

The great thing about this story is each time I upset someone they run to the source that wrote the article, like the guy who told me he likes to have his dick sucked by other men and who also has every tell tale sign and trigger of PTSD, so I did my block and delete thing to him. He didn’t like my strength or the fact I’m outspoken, I didn’t like the fact he may be gay or that he has two kids with a 2 month age gap someone’s been a naughty boy! (hence why I removed him out of my life) nothing wrong with gay men but I’m not sharing a bed with one. 

Read the website, decide for yourself. Investigational journalism is normally followed by a source, a name, someone to take credit for their work. Cyber bullying, hear say and the testimony of some bitter people isn’t. I chose not to rise to them anymore, the job I do now and my employer knows everything I make sure I tell people ASAP so that no skeletons later on can raise their heads. As a result of the article some people are followers and some are leaders those who chose to be a sheep fall by the way side those who simply don’t care see it for what it is and remain in my life. I have no worries or qualms which decision people choose. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. 

So here we are, the back story is doneI’ve gone from just under 18 stone to 8 stone, back up to 11 and now I’m sitting at 10 stone 5, my PTSD is under control I can count maybe 3 bad nightmares in the last 6 months all have been related to Richie the narc or the article written. I have a counsellor, I have great friends and family, if I feel like I may have a trigger I use exercise and breathing techniques to deal with it. 

Yes I’ve been known to be in the gym at 3 am after a very bad nightmare but these nightmares don’t change they remain the same so I process the after thoughts accordingly. 

I tend to see Richie’s death a lot, although I was never there when it happened. Apparently this is because I never saw it I made it up in my own head.

My second dream is of hate and anger I’m being screamed at about how disgusting I am, how I repulse, how I would never be worthy of love or happiness. I look in the mirror and my face is distorted and my body is morbidly obese the person behind has the voice of the narc but has no face, he just repeatedly screams abuse at me until I break down. 

The third is the one I can not deal with it takes days to get over, there is a group of people trying to hurt my children they stalk us, they follow us I’m trying to cover my kids with my body but they are pushing and pulling they are trying to get to them but I fight, I fight so hard I’m bleeding my body is covered in scratches and cuts and bruises but they will not get them, they will not touch my kids they can hurt me they can kill me, but I won’t allow them near my babies….

My bulimia is under control I haven’t felt the need to do that for over a year even though I put weight on. I saw the light and what it was and decided to stop being so bloody stupid I do have to still take buscapan and ducolax for my IBS. But the way I eat nowadays my diet is that healthy my IBS hardly ever flares up. 

Body dis morphia well I’m sorry but every flipping person on this planet has some form of it. I’m so surprised how many men suffer with it as well. I’m on a group a group on Facebook called Gym outcasts. There are all sorts of people on their mostly body builders and strong men and women. Every day I see a post about someone’s shape or asking questions about how they can improve. It’s an amazing group there’s no bravado just people coming together to help each other. You do get the odd person who may wish to be a knobhead ( myself included ) I was carb depleted and being awful to someone! I hold my hands up when I’m being a knob so I apologised. But the group is there to help, they have a PHD guy who goes into the science involved in competing to actual competitors or just your average joe who has an abundance of knowledge. Add it if you have facbook, it’s so helpful if your in this kind of business. 

So its New Years Eve, I’ve written the back story. Tomorrow morning is week one day one of the cut,I’m going to go through a whole lot of pain and emotions in the coming weeks I’m going to be grumpy and unbearable. So I’m using this blog to explain my emotions and feelings. I intend to stand on that stage on April the 1st I’m doing this for me, I’m doing this for Richie as he supported me before his death and I would love for him to be proud, I’m doing this because I’m not a fat dog or ugly! I’m also doing this for my 3 beautiful kids, I want them to be proud. 

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