Amazingly after a long week at work ( which isn’t finished ) I’ve managed to get through my first week of the cut.
Working long hours and waking up for training at 05:30 each morning has proved I can’t do both without more carbs in my diet. I was falling asleep around 14:00 each day.
My coach had a look at my diet and revised it accordingly, I’m not a professional I don’t get paid to do this and I must eat and pay my bills so work is important throughout this transition. Balancing a healthy work/training regime is difficult regardless of job. But mine is not only long hours but also unpredictable I’m currently writing this is bright neon leggings and an old marine jumper ( my friend gave me ) sat at work as I was called in. I literally just stepped in the gym ready to start cardio when I got the call. Luckily for me my boss pays my expenses, a quick uber request and I’m in the city. Although I’m dressed way inappropriately I don’t need to go outside. My boss however did have a chuckle when he saw how bright these bloody trainers and leggings are.
So the first week.
The blog is getting some great hits and from all over the world including Iraq, Afghanistan and a little place just off the coast called the Isle of Mann, those hits are purely from persons who aren’t interested in the progression just the content, greetings and a massive thank you to all, I hope you are well.
As for me well what a roller coaster. I never realised how angry a person can get whilst hungry! Although I’m eating 5 meals a day the meals are monogamous tiny portions of protein, carbs and some fats. My diet has been striped to the bear bones. I can have a cheat meal or re feed once a week, I choose sushi as it’s my favourite. But my biggest suffer and need is for latte! I’ve even resulted in buying latte flavoured protein powered to get the fix I need ( it’s not worked )
Meal prep is quite self explanatory. Cook it, weigh it and portion it out freeze what you don’t need for now and remove each evening for the next day. It’s cooking it on the move and getting the times right. So far I’ve eaten the majority of it cold. I’m basically trying to re train my brain into thinking it’s just fuel instead of something nice.
Emotionally I’m not doing so great, I had a conversation with my coach just yesterday about the need to not look manly… I’m so scared of the look, this goes against everything a woman body builder thinks, however I must go with what I want not what others see. Yes my genetics are perfect for that sort of look. And if I wanted I could with a few years and hard work achieve that sort of physique/body building catergory. But I refuse to do it. I think my words yesterday to my coach was, “if I get told to move up a catergory because I’m too muscular for the one I want, I will simply stop doing this altogether” he’s such a professional instead of trying to convince me like so many others do, he respects my wishes and said “well let’s get you to where you want to be”
I am under no illusion this process isn’t just one comp, I totally embrace the fact it takes years to develop the catergory I wish to run in. But with my mental health and low self esteem I’m not prepared to put extra pressure on my self for something I do not want.
My counsellor sat and listened to me for months and months about how others had effected my thought process. He would drop suttle hints on what to research and google, so that I could find out for myself how I had been groomed into thinking I was worthless. There are many self help lectures and papers I have read over the past 2 years that I can identify with. This isn’t just about the narcissistic element of my life but also early childhood and the trauma from losing Richie.
Even after all these years not knowing my worth has had a massive impact in my relationship with people. Trying to “keep them happy” had crushed the inner me when in reality if I hadn’t of been so desperate to be loved I would of had the balls to tell them the to fuck off.
Now I do, I end things very quickly, but that scares me too. My bluntness and almost arrogance isn’t something I like about myself, I wish I could be more trusting with the opposite sex, but I can’t and I don’t mean this in a “is he gonna cheat on me way” I mean ok a what’s his motives? Is he going to act like the blood sucking Narc and use me for what I have until it dries up or is he using me till the better deal comes along?
In a few days I’m flying out to America to meet my friend who I have been (getting to know) he’s American, a gym goer and more importantly absolutely normal! A rareity man for me I know! After 2 years of the single life and a new rule/decision of mine not to date any ex military or British men. I’ve met a guy a truly like and he understands my thirst for this comp, bless him he’s organised gym related activities, food prep and really thought about my needs. Wow I know now that’s a first. I almost feel like I need to do something in return but in his words “that’s not why I’m doing it”
I told him recently how I feel about being alone so much and my personal development in getting to know myself again not the person I felt like I had to be to be loved.
I said ” I don’t run in packs as I feel I’m not safe in them. Whilst I’m alone I know no one is trying to hurt or use me for personal gratification” now for a man who is getting to know me this might be hard pill to swallow. However with his own pma and selflessness he understood that a broken person takes longer to find trust again and with his patience and maturity he understood and for that I am truly grateful!
Week two will be harder and more challenging a different country harder training and more mental health obstacles to face. I’m getting there and more importantly I’m enjoying the process this isn’t just about standing on a stage this is about finding, accepting and liking the real me.