So I’ve freaked out! Had a bit of a wobble so to speak. The what if’s have taken there toll on me over the weekend. My diet has gone up more food more carbs. These little buggers scare the shit out of me. I’m worrying about weight gain but have to gain weight i.e. muscle weight. But standing on scales and seeing a higher number keeps freaking me out. It’s pathetic I know! So how do I over come this?
I threw them in the bin, the only time I can weigh myself now is at the gym or if I see a random industrial scale in boots. I need to get over this stupid idea that weight is seen by the trained eye. It’s not I know female competitors who are tiny. Small waists and limbs yet their weight is higher than you would suspect from their frame. Why? Because muscle is dense therefore you can fit more into a space. Fat however is large and spread out. So if you were to look at 5 lbs of muscle to 5 lbs of fat. The fat looks bigger than the muscle.
I know this yet my mind plays bloody tricks on me! This is due to my mental state not my intelligence, I have a voice recording I saved and it’s not nice to listen to it’s of when I was being abused and all the signs where there I just didn’t know it. Now whenever I feel down I look at all the following listed below. I listen to the recording and remind myself how far I’ve actually come! Not in looks or physical strength but inside my head. If I can break free from that I can sure as hell do this.
Low self esteem
No more loathing
Embracing who I am
Forgetting the past
I have many fears still but these fears are materristic and by all accounts from the women I talk with daily who also compete are completely normal for an amutuer athlete. My show shoes arrived today, straight after I came home from a PT session there where at my door. All new and perfect. I have massive feet for a woman size 8 trotters to be exact and I was worried ( anxiety kicking in again ) that my feet would look like they need oars. But again wheh I asked around most the girls are the same size or some bigger. Phew I was thinking I’m a freak again!
I met a guy once to watch rugby with. He commented on the size of my hands and feet I was mortified, instantly I looked up surgery to make them smaller! I mean really who does that? Why am I bothered about one little man’s opinion of me. I never mentioned the fact he looked like a man but smaller all 4 ft and a fecking fag end of him. I just chose to not say it too him and that is where my point comes from.
People opinions of others should not have such a drastic effect on us but I have chosen to stand on a stage and ask for just that! A complete stranger will look at my body and decide wether or not it’s good enough. The one thing I’m frightened off. So why am I doing this? Am I seeking acceptance, glorification, revenge from those who put me down. Or am I simply just gonna try and see if I can.
That I’m still trying to work out!!!
I saw this yesterday, I commented on his poor behaviour and how disrespectful he was for being so cruel and then I deleted and blocked him, if only blocking those doubts in my head was that simple.