There are no excuses! 

So this next part is embarrassing, there is no excuse for it I can’t think of any reasons as to why I let myself get into a situation like this. Was it because I wanted to look good? Maybe be apart of the crowd, peer pressure? Did I rebel or was I a messed up kid looking for a way to numb out my life. I can honestly say I don’t know. So much had happened to me at such a young age already it’s a difficult one to determine. Dad’s abuse was always in the back of my mind, so many times I remember walking home wondering what kind of mood he was in. Was he drunk? Was he angry? Had Mum looked at another man in a way he deemed wrong? My mum never put a foot wrong, she was a hard working mother of 4, she maintained our home, fed clothed all 4 of us to perfection. We were always smart looking,  clean very well presented. To the un trained eye no one would of known what went on between our four walls. My father was a very jealous and angry man, yet from the stories mum has told me, like his own father he was a cheat! Having affairs constantly behind her back! 
I completely understand this as The Narc would accuse me of cheating yet it was him who cheated on me. So he like my father with my mother, had judged me by his disgusting standards! 
To add insult the woman he cheated on me with is kind of family  through marriage. I mean I don’t care now she’s just some mother of three boys with different dads, ironically she was or still is married to a cousin of mine ( Jeremy Kyle or what! ) I actually laughed when I found out her own son couldn’t believe The Narc had chosen her over me “you, over Claire” that must of hurt her deeply for him to say that. It’s not about looks it’s about control and she is perfect for him. A lap dog ( if you pardon the pun ) someone who can’t afford to lose someone like him. He was a good looking man when I met him, fit, good body. Now not so much! apparently he’s gained weight like he was in high school. Funnily he used to be so insecure over his looks as he was bullied as a child for being overweight. Yes I have no feelings for this man, not even hate anymore I’ve searched my demons and done what I needed to do to get closure of his abuse to me, the only feelings I do have for him is pity. Pity for man who has terrorised most his partners due to personality disorder he has attained from a child. He won’t admit it, they push blame onto others, the traits of a narc are so obvious to me now it’s text book. I was that terrified I could be a narc myself I did a test and later had it confirmed. Ironically I project all the traits of an empath in conjunction with the grief of Richie and being abused as a child. Him and I were a recipe for disaster. Be that as it may him being bullied for being over weight I can sympathise with and I can never ever condone bullying. ( although my friends can’t believe I won’t sit and get angry about how he treated me. Why? Why should I let him hurt me anymore. There are measures out of my control to deal with individuals like him. Let those decide. 

An ex policewoman friend of mine told me recently that Narc’s aren’t born narcissist, they develop these physiological traits from early childhood she asked me if he had ever mentioned paranoia and jealousy as a child. I had to really think and I remembered his mum telling me that she was an innocent flirt, and when the narc was younger he must of heard his Mum and Dad argue about it. The narc had kicked off because a man had touched my bum in a club and we ended up having a big row over it. His mum spoke so much sense the more I think about it. The ex policewoman and my counsellor said this could of been a trigger for the Narc and in adulthood if he saw a man anywhere near his woman it could bring back memories of his parents arguing. So my Dad and the narc are rather similar in that they will cheat, but their woman must behave, Wankers! 
Anyway digressing slightly I have a confession like many.. I used to be a drug addict before I joined the Army I was in a lot of trouble if I didn’t sort myself out sharpish! 
So I got with this guy Collin and he was fit for that age I can’t think of it now as I’m old and that’s just weird but I really liked him more than Paul put it that way. Collin introduced me to people around the estate but they were all quiet rough and I knew it. One day we was in a lasses house called Georgina, she was a local druggie weird looking but had a kid. Georgina was a speed freak or fet head as we call it. She used to inject speed using needles they called it a hit. It looked horrendous I couldn’t understand why someone would want to do that until one day like an absolute fucking idiot I tried it. I still to this day don’t know why I did it. Maybe to show Collin I was up for anything maybe just because I’m an absolute retard. 
I saw them making the hit, with this white powder, a spoon, water and a cigarette filter. For people who are off their tits a lot there seems to be a bit of science to it. Apparently if you don’t get rid of the bubbles it can straight to your brain and kill you or if there is any dirt in it you can get what they call a dirty ( I had one once Jesus I was in a flat on my own thinking I was going to die but a few days later it went ) 

So Collin took me into the bathroom and told me to show him my arms. Needles don’t bother me they never have so I let him do it. He found my vain straight away and drew back the blood within seconds he had injected the concoction and the first feeling I got was I need a shit!!!!! 

I told him to get out ASAP I had to go to the toilet or I was gonna make a mess right there. It was unbelievable I’d taken speed before but this feeling was euporic the instant rush was crazy I loved it and from then on in I was what they called a speed freak. I would take it every day staying up for days on end my work never got effected I just topped up and eventually when I could stay awake no more I would take sleeping tablets to sleep for a few days. We called them eggs they were green and yellow and awesome, you could wobble around all day in a right daze. I had gone from a rave scene weekend offender to a full blow addict in less than 6 months. I worked, paid my rent then got of my tits at the weekend with E’s or anything I could get my hands on. Trips, LSD, speed, blow anything and I mean anything. My arms started to get scars on them and eventually it started to take its toll. I was at work one day when I started to act strange. I thought I was being attacked by a virus and couldn’t catch my breath  I thought I had aids I used clean needles and got then from the needle exchange I remember my number 777. And I never shared them with anyone. But this was something different they called my mum and took me to hospital where I later found out it was fish poisoning and with my bad health from drugs I had made it worst. I was seeing everything like I was going crazy. I accused friends and family of things that didn’t happen and making some right weird shit up in my head. By that time I had left my flat with Kerry and moved back home I couldn’t live like this for much longer and my age was getting close to where I could join up mum said if I joined the army I could come back home until I got my date through so I went to the careers office and signed up. Me and my mate Stella went but she was that thick I had to do her barb test and mine without the bloke looking. I was offered a few options as I didn’t have any exam results so I took the option of joining the RLC Royal logistic Corp. but I still had this drug addiction that I needed to get rid of before I started basic training. I didn’t though, I started basic training on Sunday the 21st of January 1996, I had my last hit on the train going to Pirbright ffs…. Basic training and a drug habit, I never do things by halves do I!!!!! 

This information is really hard for me to write, out of all the things I’ve done in my life I am the most embarrassed about this. My son is off an age where he may see this. And I know he will be equally disgusted with me. At the age of 15 I didn’t understand the implications of my stupid actions! Some people can’t believe my honesty of these blogs but I told my counsellor I would explain warts and all…. I have been accused of being a liar by strangers. You lot wanted the truth you got it!!!! 
For all parents out there, regardless of status , wealth, upbringing or home life. There are kids out there who do this coming from good homes. Yes my upbringing wasn’t the best but I know many whose was like The fucking Brady bunch and they did exactly the same as me!  

I watch my kids like a hawk now, I’ve been there, seen it and done it. Luckily my children didn’t have the upbringing like us four, but I still keep an eye on my kids and will forever. 

Food for thought Drugs are everywhere!


3 thoughts on “There are no excuses! 

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