Trolls 

Trolls 
Now I’m not talking about the little toys with green hair here. Im talking about the ones ironically lacking moral fibre to reveal oneself. They are happy to sit behind a computer screen tapping away making comments to annoy or upset persons without revealing themselves due to embarrassment or being ill informed. I have imagined what my trolls may look like, for some reason I have the image of an overweight man wearing an old football top sat on his worn out sofa tapping away on a lap top and smirking whilst sending out these comical ( to him ) comments. I imagine he has a wife in the kitchen right now frying him chips eggs and beans his favourite yum yum. Waiting on his rather large hands and feet as that’s what women should do, stay in the kitchen!!! he more than likely has pictures of the good old days on his walls of a time when he felt proud of himself, when he had a purpose in life. Now he is just sits on his arse typing away and acting like he’s part of a farting sofa. This image is completely made up in my head but I often visit it and think oh my…. what am I up against. ( please see the sarcasm in my words ) 
My sister and I had a detailed chat about this blog, as she told me she remembers things differently. We talked about perspective and how no story is exactly the same. She told me things I never knew and others have too. Some off it is upsetting some just minor details like I couldn’t remember that she was there the day my father beat me I just could not remember her being there. A police officer recently told me that she is suspicious of any statement given that is exactly the same and or verbatim. I explained this to my sister and we agreed. We also agreed to not publish anything that was not directly done to me as it wouldn’t be unfair on the individual. I mean that in a sense of someone who had not done me any harm. 
So today I had another one of these trolls, initially the statement that was wrote made me laugh as it was so far from the truth a child couldn’t of even come up with such a pathetic comment. See below. 


Now I thought about it and it gave me something to do all afternoon so out of a negative it gave me a positive. Oooooo I love a good mystery. As I’m at work and it’s quiet or am I????? See above for reference to my little laugh. I thought I would break this little statement down so here goes. 
Firstly the person says they knew Richie well. Ok right process of elimination 

His family called him Richard. 

His military friends and colleagues called him Zero 

His wife had a nick name tigger ( yeah I bet you didn’t know I knew that ) 

His children obviously called him Dad 

And the security guys and I called him Richie

First clue 

However the Narc knew him as Richie too. 
Secondly 

I was something to ease the boredom of Kabul 

Ok well let’s have a look at this 

We had a house ( not in Kabul ) 

We were engaged ( in Dubai ) 

He spent more time in the gym and in the bar than seeing me in Kabul. So if he was a friend of his in Kabul then it’s you he saw more than me. Oooo maybe you were the one he used for boredom.

We went on one holiday and a short break whilst together. He paid ( expensive boredom ) 

My engagement ring was a substantial amount of money, again expensive boredom! (The price meant nothing the ring was perfect) 
Thirdly

 

“I have done nothing to have PTSD”

 

So this one proves the lack of intelligence of the person who wrote this. 

PTSD is a disorder that is obtained via trauma wether is could be via one event or various. Now my PTSD is complex that means over a period of time the difficult times of my life just got on top of me. Now some people believe it is only soldiers that experience PTSD. 

Wrong, any person could experience PTSD and it is more common in the civilian and emergency services than it is in the whole of our armed services and veterans. 

Lack of information and intelligence of this person is clearly shinning through. 

Now if this person is a qualified professional now I am more than willing to be assessed by them. However owing to the fact that they don’t know anything about PTSD my spidy senses are telling me they could do more harm than good. 
Fourthly 
The choice of user name Page group are a highly regarded security company working in many hostile environments, they have a contracts everywhere and are an extremely good company to work for. The average joe wouldn’t necessarily know of this company unless they have worked for them or worked in Kabul as security themselves. Or they know that I used to work for them. The Narc hated the company due to his indiscretions so there is a possibility right there. 
Lastly. 
“I can’t work in the security industry” 
Well unless I Imagine my wage every month I’m guessing this person is going on second person info. Only a select few know where I work only a select few know what I do. What I write on social media and what I’m actually doing could be a diversion. After all we are in security! I’m actually sat at work right now with a smirk on my face to think this idiot knows what I’m up too. 
So my conclusion to little Johnny big balls the keyboard warrior who leaves a embarrassing to him and rather comical and well timed comment for me. That will be explained once my year of submission is finalised in a few days. Don’t worry it will become more apparent soon enough. 
That the comment was somewhat personal intended to hurt me both with regards to my relationship with Richie and my career. Now those who know me know that I do not care for my career and are currently studying to leave it for good, so that wouldn’t even scratch the surface. Richie comment could hurt me but I know what happened between him and I, I know what I felt for him and still do. I know that I drive to his grave and secretly visit him when I pass by the area making sure I don’t leave anything there I just go and have a chat or I chat them him in my head or in the car whilst on long drives. This person does not know of him and I. The comment is factually incorrect ( old news ) nothing substantial and bordering on a childish approach with the blocking straight after. This person could be one of many I seem to rub up the wrong way. The fact that I still seem to mark their diaries to get on their tits gives me a sense of achievement. Here I sit enjoying life, with a full time job, beautiful children, goals, aspirations, a competition to do. And I wonder what is lacking in the football top mans life that he feels the need to bother little old me? Either he has read something he does not like or as I suspect he probably can’t comment on something due to legal reasons so he has deployed his flying monkeys to do his dirty work. Pathetic! 
My name is 

CJ Adams. 

Age 38 

SE London 
Message me for email or phone number. I’m not scared to put myself out there. 

It appears my top bollocks are bigger than your balls. 
Let’s have a chat man to man or are your bollocks only big enough for social media? 

I will not allow any of you to scare me any more. Good day and thanks for the idea of a new blog I’ve been so busy I forgot about this. 

Body shaming 

Body shaming 
We see this term used often now on social media or in the news. Mainly aimed at celebrities or wannabe famous on Instagram. Now I too am a bit of a social media addict is there shame in that? Not really some may say so but I stopped paying attention to other peoples opinions when I realised I can’t pay my bills with them. I believe body shaming it is all due to personal perception. Now here’s my theory! 
When I was fat I was the token fat girl. The one who made other girls look good. Did I know this? Of course I fuvking did. One girl I used to know would dig at my weight constantly she ( then ) had a beautiful figure tanned, toned and not a stretch mark insight her boobs were perked and she knew she had a great body, she told me enough! What she didn’t know is she had a face like a bag of smashed crabs, she may have had a body like baywatch but the face was for crimewatch!!! She would often mention my weight and it was always in a cruel manner those were the days were I would put myself down before someone else did. 
So image her horror when I lost the weight and as if by magic she becomes pregnant, has the baby and isn’t so perfect anymore. 

Did I make a cruel dig at her? Yeah I fuvking did, not out of malice or spite I just simply rolled of the tongue. I watched her face instantly fall she didn’t even have a comeback, she just took it. Why? Because she knew, she knew that I had rights to that one dig! 
I don’t like mean girls in fact it’s safe to say if I pick my friends I make sure they’re not these fucking plastic looking wannabe Kim kardasians!!! Half the girls nowadays seem to want to look like a transgender drag artist with there contoured faces and lies. I have fake boobs because I didn’t have any not because Chardonnay two doors down got hers done, so now I want them and I’ve got them on tick and my mums paying them off with milk tokens. 
So it’s everyday I see body shaming, especially on the internet. Fat girls telling people to love your curves, fit girls shaming fat girls. Plain girls shaming make up girls. Religious shaming women who don’t cover up. Non religious telling women to uncover
Women, women, women constantly slagging each other off. Yet as soon as a man makes a quote or insists on a sandwich being made we all group together and shame him. Why can’t we just all mind our own fuvking business? 
Now if you look at men it’s exactly the same. Men who spend time and effort in the gym busy sculpting their bodies are slagged off by Keith in IT, yet Keith from IT will be classed as less manly because of his spaghetti arms and lack of testosterone. Now as a gymrat myself I hear the phrase “roid head” a lot. Just because a guy goes to the gym to lift heavy weights does not mean he takes steroids. Those who take steroids are easily spotted there is a massive difference and yes I guess to the untrained eye or average Joe you proberly wouldn’t be able to tell. But to us gym goers it stands out like a sore thumb. I don’t agree or disagree with PED’s performance enhancing drugs. The only time I’ve ever really had experiences with them is from the men I have dated and yes all but my husband have been on them, evidently I’m attracted to that type of man it’s not a crime! Men are just as paranoid as women are when it comes to their bodies as of late. However the biggest difference is they are more willing to congralute each other on gains. We should take a leaf out of theirs books. 

I love the gym I spend most of my free time either training or practicing or food prepping. I don’t however look at a girl who is eating fast food and slag her off, I think ( lucky bitch ) I don’t look at skinny girls any different to larger girls. I don’t like the plastics because it was those who picked on me the most when I was fat. That doesn’t mean I hate them it means they’re not my cup of tea. But I wouldn’t dismiss them as human beings! Just slightly stupid ones. 

From fat girl to thin my personality did not alter, the only thing that changed was my confidence. It wasn’t for long but it’s slowly growing back now, I don’t think myself any worse or any better than any other woman on this planet. I’m not competing against any other women either. The only person I compete against is looking at me in the mirror everyday and that bitch is my worst critic!  

Go easy on yourselves girls. There’s no need for it. No matter what you look like or what shape you are we are all going in a box one day. Admittedly some will be bigger than others… 
My coffin will be huge, I’m going to put every fucking lb back on before I cark it. 

“I’m not the one carrying the box” 

Low self esteem 

Here’s a story for ya and please tell me how you would react to this.

Years ago my ex husband said something that really hurt me and when I asked him if it was true he denied it for years until after a long time of my pestering him he finally admitted it. He told his brother that I’m not that braw ( meaning pretty in Scotland ) but I will do. I was devastated but I knew he he said it. My grandfather had said something similar to me when I visted him he was old and ill. He saw my sister then looked at me he then patted my face be said “looks aren’t everything kid” I was around 12 or 13. Most of my life I have been compared to beautiful women. And I knew and know to this day that I can’t compete with them, so as a child I concentrated on my abilities not looks. Yes I’m not stunning but I’m good at so many other things. I’m good at training, I love reading and now writing. I’m passionate about rugby and used to be a good player ( now not so much ) I’ve been interested in crime and criminology since a small child. I was a great instructor in the army and was told by many I was a great solider. And my job now I like to think I’m good at that too. Espically the organisation skills involved, time management and many more. But like most things looks seem to always creep into the situation. Like in my current role now the more aesthetically pleaseing women will be chosen for roles over the over weight and shy on looks.

I knew this when I first started the job one of the other reasons why I decided to lose my weight and be able to compete with my colleagues. I hate getting my hair and nails done. Anything to do with beauty is a tedious task to me. That’s an hour in the gym I’m wasting, the shit conversations and I’m sorry to say but sometimes the women and some men ( trying not to stereotype ) who carry out these jobs really need to talk about something else other than holidays or their cheating boyfriends or more than ever other roles business!

So today I received a complement from another female lifter, she made me feel good about myself and a sense of achievement was felt. I updated my social media to say it’s lovely that other women can empower each other and many friends agree. However! My insecurities and low self esteem still won’t allow for a man to compliment me and here’s why.

After Richie passed I struggled with my sexuality and I don’t mean my orientation I mean how I felt as a woman I felt worthless, ugly, repulsive, disgusting, fat!!!! Until a man came along and lifted that horrible grey murky mass above my head.

He used to look at me and just stare, he would tilt his bed almost like a puppy does when it doesn’t understand what it is seeing. I was so uncomfortable with it I used to look away, but he was persistent he would call me baby, honey, beautiful he would give me these beautiful names and slowly slowly I started to believe him. That feeling was so up lifting and glorious I feel deep under his spell, dazed and confused but the love bombing. The gifts, the early morning texts and last night convos, the attention, the love and more importantly the most amazing sex. This man made me feel like Rhianna sings “the most beautiful girl in the world” and I’m not going to lie, I miss that feeling to wake up to a good morning text to any woman it instantly brightens your day. Well to feel loved and protected is for me the warmest feeling ever to have a man wrap his arms around you and kiss your forehead well that’s it for me I’m a happy little bunny. And for a few months I was just that. I felt alive, like a shinning light was around me. He had a way to make you believe you were those things he told you and the feeling of being protected is something I’ve craved and still do to this day, he ticked every box imaginable and I was smittened by him.

But then things started to change. Sight digs here and there. “You don’t need make up” “why are you wearing lashes for the gym” “here eat this I cooked” I knew full well it was drenched in oil drinking wine every night desserts, fatty foods anything. I started to gain my weight back and when I protested to eating the food or going out he would go mad and cause a massive argument when all I wanted was to stay slim for him. The nastiness became worse, then the was the name calling “you ugly fat dog” “whore” “slag” “mess” “belter” it was constant he would do it if I didn’t do what he wanted. I started to realise that the warnings I was given by his previous partner were right. I felt trapped, alone, scared… he had a trick of when I had done wrong he would change his social media to him only and wait for women to comment on it he said he wouldn’t have a pic of me on there, but once I had been good he would change it back. The abuse was imense. I couldn’t cope and couldn’t tell anyone either as from a distance we looked perfect. It went from verbal abuse to physical ( not hitting me ) he never hit me just pushing. Soon we broke up and my sister told me the things he had said cruely about my body afterwards.

So I had my boobs done but I need them recorrecting as there is a line he said it didn’t matter he told my sister they are disgusting. I have a large scar from surgery and stretch marks from having children, there was a time he kissed them  softly as we laid on the beach in Barbados and told me I didn’t need to worry. He told my sister that I looked a mess and by far the most unbelievable statement to come out of his vile manipulative mouth was “I thought you have had a designer vagina op” because quiet simply im not big down there! Have you ever heard of something so ludicrous in all your life! Not all women have a wizards sleeve, quiet possibly the women he sleeps with but not me!

So people say I should learn to take a compliment from men, really? Every single one I’ve met from my father, grandfather, husband and ex Narc have said the most cruel things to me. Why the fuck would I let another man let me down?

No thanks gents, I’m done. If you wanna compliment me mention my gains, strength or abilities. Stay away from looks, body shape or the size of my vagina ( or lack there of ) it’s much healthier for you and it won’t end in a burst transmission followed by never ever speak to me again!!!

Rant over…..