Low self esteem 

Here’s a story for ya and please tell me how you would react to this.

Years ago my ex husband said something that really hurt me and when I asked him if it was true he denied it for years until after a long time of my pestering him he finally admitted it. He told his brother that I’m not that braw ( meaning pretty in Scotland ) but I will do. I was devastated but I knew he he said it. My grandfather had said something similar to me when I visted him he was old and ill. He saw my sister then looked at me he then patted my face be said “looks aren’t everything kid” I was around 12 or 13. Most of my life I have been compared to beautiful women. And I knew and know to this day that I can’t compete with them, so as a child I concentrated on my abilities not looks. Yes I’m not stunning but I’m good at so many other things. I’m good at training, I love reading and now writing. I’m passionate about rugby and used to be a good player ( now not so much ) I’ve been interested in crime and criminology since a small child. I was a great instructor in the army and was told by many I was a great solider. And my job now I like to think I’m good at that too. Espically the organisation skills involved, time management and many more. But like most things looks seem to always creep into the situation. Like in my current role now the more aesthetically pleaseing women will be chosen for roles over the over weight and shy on looks.

I knew this when I first started the job one of the other reasons why I decided to lose my weight and be able to compete with my colleagues. I hate getting my hair and nails done. Anything to do with beauty is a tedious task to me. That’s an hour in the gym I’m wasting, the shit conversations and I’m sorry to say but sometimes the women and some men ( trying not to stereotype ) who carry out these jobs really need to talk about something else other than holidays or their cheating boyfriends or more than ever other roles business!

So today I received a complement from another female lifter, she made me feel good about myself and a sense of achievement was felt. I updated my social media to say it’s lovely that other women can empower each other and many friends agree. However! My insecurities and low self esteem still won’t allow for a man to compliment me and here’s why.

After Richie passed I struggled with my sexuality and I don’t mean my orientation I mean how I felt as a woman I felt worthless, ugly, repulsive, disgusting, fat!!!! Until a man came along and lifted that horrible grey murky mass above my head.

He used to look at me and just stare, he would tilt his bed almost like a puppy does when it doesn’t understand what it is seeing. I was so uncomfortable with it I used to look away, but he was persistent he would call me baby, honey, beautiful he would give me these beautiful names and slowly slowly I started to believe him. That feeling was so up lifting and glorious I feel deep under his spell, dazed and confused but the love bombing. The gifts, the early morning texts and last night convos, the attention, the love and more importantly the most amazing sex. This man made me feel like Rhianna sings “the most beautiful girl in the world” and I’m not going to lie, I miss that feeling to wake up to a good morning text to any woman it instantly brightens your day. Well to feel loved and protected is for me the warmest feeling ever to have a man wrap his arms around you and kiss your forehead well that’s it for me I’m a happy little bunny. And for a few months I was just that. I felt alive, like a shinning light was around me. He had a way to make you believe you were those things he told you and the feeling of being protected is something I’ve craved and still do to this day, he ticked every box imaginable and I was smittened by him.

But then things started to change. Sight digs here and there. “You don’t need make up” “why are you wearing lashes for the gym” “here eat this I cooked” I knew full well it was drenched in oil drinking wine every night desserts, fatty foods anything. I started to gain my weight back and when I protested to eating the food or going out he would go mad and cause a massive argument when all I wanted was to stay slim for him. The nastiness became worse, then the was the name calling “you ugly fat dog” “whore” “slag” “mess” “belter” it was constant he would do it if I didn’t do what he wanted. I started to realise that the warnings I was given by his previous partner were right. I felt trapped, alone, scared… he had a trick of when I had done wrong he would change his social media to him only and wait for women to comment on it he said he wouldn’t have a pic of me on there, but once I had been good he would change it back. The abuse was imense. I couldn’t cope and couldn’t tell anyone either as from a distance we looked perfect. It went from verbal abuse to physical ( not hitting me ) he never hit me just pushing. Soon we broke up and my sister told me the things he had said cruely about my body afterwards.

So I had my boobs done but I need them recorrecting as there is a line he said it didn’t matter he told my sister they are disgusting. I have a large scar from surgery and stretch marks from having children, there was a time he kissed them  softly as we laid on the beach in Barbados and told me I didn’t need to worry. He told my sister that I looked a mess and by far the most unbelievable statement to come out of his vile manipulative mouth was “I thought you have had a designer vagina op” because quiet simply im not big down there! Have you ever heard of something so ludicrous in all your life! Not all women have a wizards sleeve, quiet possibly the women he sleeps with but not me!

So people say I should learn to take a compliment from men, really? Every single one I’ve met from my father, grandfather, husband and ex Narc have said the most cruel things to me. Why the fuck would I let another man let me down?

No thanks gents, I’m done. If you wanna compliment me mention my gains, strength or abilities. Stay away from looks, body shape or the size of my vagina ( or lack there of ) it’s much healthier for you and it won’t end in a burst transmission followed by never ever speak to me again!!!

Rant over…..

3 thoughts on “Low self esteem 

  1. Why does anyone else’s opinion matters? Are they living your life? NO! YOU ARE! It doesnt matter at all what you look like on the outside it really is what is on your inside that makes people gravitate to you. As a guy, I would of slapped your husband. Like seriously! A husband needs to support you and he accepts that when he says I do! You know you are an awesome person! Don’t listen to others! This whole world is caught up with what everyone is else doing or saying! SMILE! -Bruce

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It doesn’t now, It did then. I dont allow men near me, even a brief compliment is greeted with no replying or a simple thank you. I don’t entertain men I don’t trust them. And yes before you say it not all men are bad I get that. But I no longer have the same energy to entertain the idea of another man being in my life. I simply can’t be bothered…. I’m too broken and far too alert to that bull shit ever again.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Once again it is what you are comfortable with. You don’t even know me but I know one thing I am me! You will succeed and I do wish you the best. I will be around reading your blogs because I want to see how you grow. -Bruce

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