2 weeks out. 

So Saturday I was 2 weeks out! From all the advice and coaching I’ve had, this appears to be the harder part! Strength wise I’m lacking severely, due to low carbs I’m literally training first thing in a morning, then going to work once I finish my day I’m going to bed as soon as I’ve finished prepping my kit for the next day. 

The admin side is more or less done. Hair, nails, teeth and the rest of the stage prep is booked. I meet with my coach on Saturday to go through the last check in then it’s peak week. I’m not so sure what that exactly means but I know it’s low carbs, water depleation and lots of rest. This may prove difficult as I still need to function correctly for work. Luckily my boss is backing me so he understands I may be a little disoriented. 

I’d say the most difficult part is posing practice for me, I’ve watched so many videos on you tube and other tutorials and they all look so fluid and natural. Whereas with me I’m too fast, not smiling or look like I’m about to start a fight! Well I’ve got 2 weeks to practise and try to perfect it, I really must sort it this part out. 

My bikini arrived Monday and its bloody perfect. I wanted it to match my tattoo on my arm and the lady who designed it couldn’t of done a better job. It’s so beautiful, I tried it on and was surprised how heavy it is! the detail is spot on and fits great. I’m no so sure about how low the bottoms go but that’s how they are supposed to be. Hmmmm a little too revealing of this stretch mark stomach of mine but hey those are my reminders of the 3 beautiful children I made. We can’t have everything in life so I need to be greatfull of what I do have. There are many women out there who can’t have kids and I bet if I asked them all they would do anything to have a baby, stretch marks and all. 

The confidence to stand on the stage comes in dribs and drabs sometimes I think yeah I can do this and other I get this sick feeling in my chest and start to panic. I could fall over, look like shit, do something wrong, look out of place anything but I need to suck it up as every guy and girl on that stage will be doing exactly the same as me. All the girls I have met upto now have been really supportive of each other which is so nice to see. I guess the gloves are off once we step out! 

I had a little think of what the hell im going to do after all this and the first is to eat a meal I want to eat! But I had a cheat meal recently and afterwards spent the rest of the night with my head down the toilet. It will have to be slowly getting used to bad foods again but not for long as there is another comp in May that I might enter, If all goes well with this one. It’s so surreal to think the amount of time and effort people go through just to stand on a stage for only a few minutes. All that hard work and they’re guys and girls doing it constantly. They must love the adrenaline rush and I’m guessing have over comes the nerves. Everyone is saying your first show will predict wether you will want to continue competing. I’m going to be brutally honest, I’m dying to play a game of rugby and get a lie in from all this fasted cardio. Even Sundays I’m up at sparrows fart just because I can’t bloody sit still! Maybe the anti climax and my body will shut down once i know it’s all over. I’m heading to Manchester the weekend after for a seminar and to look at renting a place if my uni place goes ahead. More flipping worry, less money but much better prospects if I get accepted on the course. Manchester though! I’ve never lived there before it’s the wrong side of the pennies for me, maybe I might get closer to Yorkshire one day lol 

All in all I’m pretty positive, slowly the confidence is growing the anxiety is surreal but that’s hightened anyways by my illness. Which after last week hasn’t been so bad. I still can’t work it out though. Frustrating but I let it go….. 

I also was given an amazing analogy on Saturday and it’s been buzzing around my head for days. 

If you’re driving a car and you keep looking in the rear view mirror eventually you will crash. Look forward only glance every now and again at your past, you’re not going that way! 

I loved it, it made me smile, I guess strangers can make more of an impact on you more than the people you have known for years. 

Thank you xxx

Sleep paralysis

For the first time in many months I woke up in the middle of night pouring with sweat after a night terror and sleep paralysis, I don’t understand it? I’ve had no good or bad news nothing that could constitute a bad night terror. The only situation I can think of was over a week ago and that was closure so why now?
My training is going well, my kids are fit and healthy I’m feeling more and more positive each day. Work is the same there isn’t anything on my mind to be completely honest I’m actually on a great road to full recovery. Yes I still think about bad times but I use my experiences to weigh out all the positives from the negatives and use those negatives as learning tools for future reference. I’m not dating anyone and don’t intend to I don’t have a crush or feel the need to even engage with a man in my life and as for family. As far as I’m aware nothing has changed so why?
I know with my illness night terrors will never go away completely and I know no matter what those bad experiences can’t be blocked out permanently but I truly thought if I concentrated on the future and not the past they would disappear and only raise there ugly heads whilst I was under stress or anniversaries nothing is due to come up. Apart from my fathers death which happened in June. So I’m stuck wondering is there something else I haven’t addressed.
Childhood
Richie

Bad relationships

Work

Lifestyle balance

All these I have talked about extensively with professionals and the people I hold close to me. The problem with this shitty disorder is you just can’t see it! There are triggers and those triggers for me are normally an anniversary or a song. To this day chasing cars, any thing from Sam smith, Ella Henderson’s “Ghost” Bruno Mars “think I’m gonna marry you” or Animal. These songs switch something in my brain and cause me to either a, get angry or b, sob uncontrollably!
I’m slightly upset as I thought I was controlling this, but sub consciously I can’t. So how do you get away from your nightmares and dreams?
I watched a clip recently of a lad who served in Iraq, his PTSD was off the scale he was hallucinating he was back there and he was seeing all the atrocities and re living it over and over again. Can you imagine that? I can’t, I can’t imagine being that scared. I see things in my dreams it feels like I’m there again looking into Richie’s coffin and scanning his head for his exit and entry wound. His face distorted his life gone his once strong hands blackened and weak and yes I feel sick and betrayed. But I also remember walking the streets looking for a man, the heels of my feet bleeding from the shoes I was wearing and when I finally reached where he was I could hear him and another woman having sex. The man who just a few days earlier had proposed to me. But that is nothing to the feeling of being attacked whilst trying to protect my children, so many instances to try to work out the reasoning so many times I have sat and wondered why people are so cruel. And then I sit and think, what was going through my fathers mind each time he struck a small skinny girl. Why would that ever feel good? All these abusers seem to get a kick from hurting people my worries are do I do that?

The answer is yes, but not on instigation. I get a kick from revenge getting back at the people who have hurt me.
But why? Why do I do that? It’s wrong to want to hurt someone back. It’s wrong for them to do that in the first place but by me retaliating I’m just as bad as those surely?

No I’m not as mature as them, learning to walk away and trying not too understand people’s actions is the adult thing to do. You cant control how people react but you can control how you do.

Using my new tools of just walking away is becoming rather useful but it’s also extremely lonely. For example
A guy asked me out I do a bit of research I find out he’s recently split with his partner. He’s a no go straight away. A lesson I learnt from a previous. A guy asks me out again, his life isn’t together still lives at home and isn’t set on his feet. That’s a no again! I’m not prepared to Mother another man. He has kids from a previous relationship but does not see them. My experiences with that is if he can treat his child like that he can treat me like that! No again.

But there isn’t a perfect man and I’m certainly not perfect. But I know my worth so whilst still dealing with this disorder and continuing with night terrors and the odd flash back, will I ever meet a man. Man enough to deal with these bad traits that I have. Other than being a clean freak, having OCD and not wanting to share my home with anyone I suppose I’m not the pick of the bunch either. But I’m standing by my right to have a choice and my choice is to concentrate on the people I love, my children my family and friends, my training and competitions, my work life and finally my personal life will fall into place when I’m ready and it’s not been forced. 2 years of NC and I still don’t feel ready, am I permanently damaged proberly not! No one gets to keep control over someone for so long. I’d say I’m more tuned into the red flags and my type/kind/choice of men, many hold the same attributes. But I am not looking when the time is right he will come. And he will be without a shadow of doubt my last if it all goes wrong again.
What makes me laugh is when women say all men are bad. What about women? They are just as bad cheating and gold digging it’s a simple fact of who is right for who. And they only way you find that out is by getting to know a person first and not jumping into something too flipping quick. Something that I hold my hands up too!
Well all make mistakes and by Christ have I made a fair few! But I’ve learnt from every single one of them and I’m still learning. I wish that people could take responsibility for their actions and understand how they effect others lives. I also wish that others would concentrate on their own lives as everyone else has a story and it’s not one sided. I have been accused of somethings and some I have held my hands up too as I have done them. But for the ones I haven’t. You have more chance of plaiting snot me owning up to something I didn’t do!
I suppose my rant today is fuelled by thoughts and feelings that are in the back of my mind and my only way to release them is to write them down. Lack of sleep and the terror of sleep paralysis will always make me sit and think if this helps, so be it.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”

As of Saturday I am 4 weeks out for competition, not only am I physically drained emotionally I’m done. 
I was told, warned, informed by many of my fellow fitness friends that comp prep is emotional. I knew it would be difficult but I also know me and how stubborn I can be. The physical side isn’t to bad to be honest, I’m loving training I literally jump out of bed at 05:30 to go and start my gruelling 2 hour cardio then straight onto weights. It’s like I can’t function if I haven’t trained first thing. My brain doesn’t seem to work until I’ve realeased enough endorphins. As for the diet I found it annoying at first same foods same times but now I’m literally struggling to eat, not that I don’t want to, more I’m sick of the food. I craved sweet things for a week whilst my children where on half term. But that soon faded once Mother Nature reminded me that I haven’t had a period for 5 months. I text my good friend “guess what” “I got my period”he’s an ex royal marine and his reaction was brilliant. And I quote, “this is by far the best text I’ve ever had” he face timed me laughing his head off!!! Well I had to tell someone and he’s my bezzie lol 

Now I’m going to try and explain my emotions. Wow they are a right mess. I have other personal things going on in the background. They aren’t overwhelming more of a release for me but still I am updated often and they make me sad and depressed. I wait for the day I can finally have closure. I don’t care of the result, just the closure. Terrible memories often visit my mind and I close my eyes tight to try and block them out. Sometimes my freinds forget I don’t want them to tell me anything and I have to tell them not to remind me. They mean well but I really don’t care! My counsellor seems to push it all at first, but when I broke down I think he understood that I was holding back things I should of released sooner. The problem is I don’t want to remember! I want to forget it all, If I could go back in time I would of done so many things differently but I was stubborn and cocky. I think I was trying to be a person for another person and suppressing your character only ends badly. So those emotions have been released, those memories have been filtered into realistic terms and each one had been dealt with, with a system i use daily. 

In the army we used a system called the 7 questions ( combat estimate ) I also use mission analysis as it seems to work with everything. 

Each question (I won’t go into the military ones ) seem to guide with every aspect of life and help me achieve a goal or an objective. For an example if I had 4 children and 2 adults and I needed to buy a car I would ask myself a set of questions to decide which car I needed to buy the same as going to the shop or planning a trip. We use mission analysis everyday without even thinking about it. So I thought maybe I should use some old skills to work out my emotions. Here goes :- 

1, Will it have a emotional effect on me or anyone I care for?

2, Will I be able to change the situation or how people think of me? 

3, Do these things or persons have any say in my life? 

4, Is anyone hurt? 

5, Will it be important in 30 days, a year, 5 years? 

6, Can those who hurt me be forgiven? 

7, Do I take action? 

After the fallout of any anxiety, I try to work through these questions. Mostly I’m high on initial adrenaline or anger, but slowly my smile creeps back onto my face and I usually end up saying to myself 

“Ah fuck em” 

Do you know how liberating that is? To actually sit there and laugh instead of worry. There’s no feeling in the pit of my stomach anymore, no tension, no sick feeling. I just literally laugh to myself. This is how I know I’m getting better daily. Now the serious part of it is, that some persons are that wrapped up in their own emotions they use others to vent anger. If only they tried the concentrate on their own well being and anger issues they too could start to see sunshine instead of dark clouds.  

Other peoples opinions of me is literally none of my buisness. I’m too busy watering my own grass to look how theirs is doing. Some may say selfish I just say it’s my preservation tactic and it’s bloody working. 

Self body shaming is happening a little too often. But I know this is a normal process so I’m kinda over that part. In the last week I’ve started to see changes and they are making me happy. 

Not forgetting the people around me as they are the people I lean on for support. I’m a very lucky person to have these people in my life. Good freinds and some of my family. Just a simple text every now and again just to see how I am lifts me. I live alone and are no where near my close friends but I like the isolation now. I can get on with no distractions. But if my friends need me I am there always. It just takes a phone call! 

This whole process has been such a great tool to combat my anxiety, depression and poor sleeping. I go to bed and I fall asleep admittedly I only sleep for 6 hours but it’s not broken anymore. I feel safe in my own home now, I don’t feel like I may be attacked physically ,the acid in my face jibe has haunted me for a while but I know now. He can’t do it and if it did happen all would know who it was. I could be physically scared or even killed! But I know deep down they were words to hurt me and frighten me. As the old saying says “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will neve hurt me” 

This whole process is changning my life and I’m truly in love with it.