As of Saturday I am 4 weeks out for competition, not only am I physically drained emotionally I’m done.
I was told, warned, informed by many of my fellow fitness friends that comp prep is emotional. I knew it would be difficult but I also know me and how stubborn I can be. The physical side isn’t to bad to be honest, I’m loving training I literally jump out of bed at 05:30 to go and start my gruelling 2 hour cardio then straight onto weights. It’s like I can’t function if I haven’t trained first thing. My brain doesn’t seem to work until I’ve realeased enough endorphins. As for the diet I found it annoying at first same foods same times but now I’m literally struggling to eat, not that I don’t want to, more I’m sick of the food. I craved sweet things for a week whilst my children where on half term. But that soon faded once Mother Nature reminded me that I haven’t had a period for 5 months. I text my good friend “guess what” “I got my period”he’s an ex royal marine and his reaction was brilliant. And I quote, “this is by far the best text I’ve ever had” he face timed me laughing his head off!!! Well I had to tell someone and he’s my bezzie lol
Now I’m going to try and explain my emotions. Wow they are a right mess. I have other personal things going on in the background. They aren’t overwhelming more of a release for me but still I am updated often and they make me sad and depressed. I wait for the day I can finally have closure. I don’t care of the result, just the closure. Terrible memories often visit my mind and I close my eyes tight to try and block them out. Sometimes my freinds forget I don’t want them to tell me anything and I have to tell them not to remind me. They mean well but I really don’t care! My counsellor seems to push it all at first, but when I broke down I think he understood that I was holding back things I should of released sooner. The problem is I don’t want to remember! I want to forget it all, If I could go back in time I would of done so many things differently but I was stubborn and cocky. I think I was trying to be a person for another person and suppressing your character only ends badly. So those emotions have been released, those memories have been filtered into realistic terms and each one had been dealt with, with a system i use daily.
In the army we used a system called the 7 questions ( combat estimate ) I also use mission analysis as it seems to work with everything.
Each question (I won’t go into the military ones ) seem to guide with every aspect of life and help me achieve a goal or an objective. For an example if I had 4 children and 2 adults and I needed to buy a car I would ask myself a set of questions to decide which car I needed to buy the same as going to the shop or planning a trip. We use mission analysis everyday without even thinking about it. So I thought maybe I should use some old skills to work out my emotions. Here goes :-
1, Will it have a emotional effect on me or anyone I care for?
2, Will I be able to change the situation or how people think of me?
3, Do these things or persons have any say in my life?
4, Is anyone hurt?
5, Will it be important in 30 days, a year, 5 years?
6, Can those who hurt me be forgiven?
7, Do I take action?
After the fallout of any anxiety, I try to work through these questions. Mostly I’m high on initial adrenaline or anger, but slowly my smile creeps back onto my face and I usually end up saying to myself
“Ah fuck em”
Do you know how liberating that is? To actually sit there and laugh instead of worry. There’s no feeling in the pit of my stomach anymore, no tension, no sick feeling. I just literally laugh to myself. This is how I know I’m getting better daily. Now the serious part of it is, that some persons are that wrapped up in their own emotions they use others to vent anger. If only they tried the concentrate on their own well being and anger issues they too could start to see sunshine instead of dark clouds.
Other peoples opinions of me is literally none of my buisness. I’m too busy watering my own grass to look how theirs is doing. Some may say selfish I just say it’s my preservation tactic and it’s bloody working.
Self body shaming is happening a little too often. But I know this is a normal process so I’m kinda over that part. In the last week I’ve started to see changes and they are making me happy.
Not forgetting the people around me as they are the people I lean on for support. I’m a very lucky person to have these people in my life. Good freinds and some of my family. Just a simple text every now and again just to see how I am lifts me. I live alone and are no where near my close friends but I like the isolation now. I can get on with no distractions. But if my friends need me I am there always. It just takes a phone call!
This whole process has been such a great tool to combat my anxiety, depression and poor sleeping. I go to bed and I fall asleep admittedly I only sleep for 6 hours but it’s not broken anymore. I feel safe in my own home now, I don’t feel like I may be attacked physically ,the acid in my face jibe has haunted me for a while but I know now. He can’t do it and if it did happen all would know who it was. I could be physically scared or even killed! But I know deep down they were words to hurt me and frighten me. As the old saying says “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will neve hurt me”
This whole process is changning my life and I’m truly in love with it.