For the first time in many months I woke up in the middle of night pouring with sweat after a night terror and sleep paralysis, I don’t understand it? I’ve had no good or bad news nothing that could constitute a bad night terror. The only situation I can think of was over a week ago and that was closure so why now?
My training is going well, my kids are fit and healthy I’m feeling more and more positive each day. Work is the same there isn’t anything on my mind to be completely honest I’m actually on a great road to full recovery. Yes I still think about bad times but I use my experiences to weigh out all the positives from the negatives and use those negatives as learning tools for future reference. I’m not dating anyone and don’t intend to I don’t have a crush or feel the need to even engage with a man in my life and as for family. As far as I’m aware nothing has changed so why?
I know with my illness night terrors will never go away completely and I know no matter what those bad experiences can’t be blocked out permanently but I truly thought if I concentrated on the future and not the past they would disappear and only raise there ugly heads whilst I was under stress or anniversaries nothing is due to come up. Apart from my fathers death which happened in June. So I’m stuck wondering is there something else I haven’t addressed.
All these I have talked about extensively with professionals and the people I hold close to me. The problem with this shitty disorder is you just can’t see it! There are triggers and those triggers for me are normally an anniversary or a song. To this day chasing cars, any thing from Sam smith, Ella Henderson’s “Ghost” Bruno Mars “think I’m gonna marry you” or Animal. These songs switch something in my brain and cause me to either a, get angry or b, sob uncontrollably!
I’m slightly upset as I thought I was controlling this, but sub consciously I can’t. So how do you get away from your nightmares and dreams?
I watched a clip recently of a lad who served in Iraq, his PTSD was off the scale he was hallucinating he was back there and he was seeing all the atrocities and re living it over and over again. Can you imagine that? I can’t, I can’t imagine being that scared. I see things in my dreams it feels like I’m there again looking into Richie’s coffin and scanning his head for his exit and entry wound. His face distorted his life gone his once strong hands blackened and weak and yes I feel sick and betrayed. But I also remember walking the streets looking for a man, the heels of my feet bleeding from the shoes I was wearing and when I finally reached where he was I could hear him and another woman having sex. The man who just a few days earlier had proposed to me. But that is nothing to the feeling of being attacked whilst trying to protect my children, so many instances to try to work out the reasoning so many times I have sat and wondered why people are so cruel. And then I sit and think, what was going through my fathers mind each time he struck a small skinny girl. Why would that ever feel good? All these abusers seem to get a kick from hurting people my worries are do I do that?
The answer is yes, but not on instigation. I get a kick from revenge getting back at the people who have hurt me.
But why? Why do I do that? It’s wrong to want to hurt someone back. It’s wrong for them to do that in the first place but by me retaliating I’m just as bad as those surely?
No I’m not as mature as them, learning to walk away and trying not too understand people’s actions is the adult thing to do. You cant control how people react but you can control how you do.
Using my new tools of just walking away is becoming rather useful but it’s also extremely lonely. For example
A guy asked me out I do a bit of research I find out he’s recently split with his partner. He’s a no go straight away. A lesson I learnt from a previous. A guy asks me out again, his life isn’t together still lives at home and isn’t set on his feet. That’s a no again! I’m not prepared to Mother another man. He has kids from a previous relationship but does not see them. My experiences with that is if he can treat his child like that he can treat me like that! No again.
But there isn’t a perfect man and I’m certainly not perfect. But I know my worth so whilst still dealing with this disorder and continuing with night terrors and the odd flash back, will I ever meet a man. Man enough to deal with these bad traits that I have. Other than being a clean freak, having OCD and not wanting to share my home with anyone I suppose I’m not the pick of the bunch either. But I’m standing by my right to have a choice and my choice is to concentrate on the people I love, my children my family and friends, my training and competitions, my work life and finally my personal life will fall into place when I’m ready and it’s not been forced. 2 years of NC and I still don’t feel ready, am I permanently damaged proberly not! No one gets to keep control over someone for so long. I’d say I’m more tuned into the red flags and my type/kind/choice of men, many hold the same attributes. But I am not looking when the time is right he will come. And he will be without a shadow of doubt my last if it all goes wrong again.
What makes me laugh is when women say all men are bad. What about women? They are just as bad cheating and gold digging it’s a simple fact of who is right for who. And they only way you find that out is by getting to know a person first and not jumping into something too flipping quick. Something that I hold my hands up too!
Well all make mistakes and by Christ have I made a fair few! But I’ve learnt from every single one of them and I’m still learning. I wish that people could take responsibility for their actions and understand how they effect others lives. I also wish that others would concentrate on their own lives as everyone else has a story and it’s not one sided. I have been accused of somethings and some I have held my hands up too as I have done them. But for the ones I haven’t. You have more chance of plaiting snot me owning up to something I didn’t do!
I suppose my rant today is fuelled by thoughts and feelings that are in the back of my mind and my only way to release them is to write them down. Lack of sleep and the terror of sleep paralysis will always make me sit and think if this helps, so be it.